I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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