do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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