If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
