Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
