So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
