The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
As shirtless as possible
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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