i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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