I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
