i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
