you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
