btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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