I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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