She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize