Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
