i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
