oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
