The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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