I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All the doctor said was why
how does that bad decision feel?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
