im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
