Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i now understand why vodka
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
