Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
