sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
