dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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