Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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