after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
