Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
