Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
