im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I love you.
Bad choice
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