If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize