I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You have to summon your inner elephant
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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