We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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