I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
