Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
