its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
