Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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