I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
