We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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