Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
