I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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