Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
