about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize