there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
