I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize