I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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