Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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