Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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