so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
