The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
