Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I can't turn off my feet"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
