I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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