you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You left your underwear on the fireplace
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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