omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
