Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
