Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We need to get me chipped asap
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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