Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
All I want is dick and wine.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
