Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
