I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
