No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
