My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If I die, sorry about rent.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
