Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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