Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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